Professor Peter Arthur Clerval

            “Mad scientist” is a label that I object to. I mean, go ahead and use it if it suits you, but just know that it bothers me. You see the movies and they’ve got this guy with an affinity for science, a guy who has real talent, and he uses it for some ridiculous end. World domination is ridiculous, for example, because how could one possibly maintain that power? And the effects on the global economy! I just have to say, it’s a lot of work just doesn’t seem worth it. But yeah, anyway, I do the things I do to make the world a better place, not for some kind of crazy megalomania.

            There’s another thing about “mad scientists.” Why are they so angry? Going into some kind of fit over who knows what and making some sort of death ray, it’s just silly. By the way, no way to make a death ray that functions instantly; you can make a laser or something with radiation, but the death ray doesn’t just do the whole killing thing. Not my specialization, mind you, the rays, this was told to me by Doctor Spitzer. That guy’s an expert, but he’s got the death penalty for being too mad. Damn shame.

            I mean, I sort of see where he’s coming from. I’m bothered by a large number of things, but never really got to that level of “angry at everything.” I specialize in genetics and biology. You ever see Frankenstein? Good movie, sort of in the vein of where I work. I don’t want to change death though, dead is dead. I like making new creations. The spirit of science is in discovery and innovation. I do both of those on an organic level. Just my way of going green.

            Have you ever been in a super-market, specifically “12 items or less” aisle? I have, and let me tell you, it’s the absolute worst when somebody has more than 12 items. That’s blatant disregard for the rules, and the sign is right there! I bring this up, because it involves how I’ve applied my sciences. To make the world a better place. I built a hawk, 6-foot wingspan and barbed talons, and I trained him. Trained him to count to 13, and using some conditioning I trained him to attack quantities of that number or greater. So we went to the super-market, and he went berserk. I kept this helmet on him, even when we got there, and took it off in the aisle. I was getting looks the whole time, but man did he flip when he saw how many items there were in the store. Now, there may have been hiccups associated with the actual process, but the end result was still what I wanted: nobody had 13 items in the “12 items or less” aisle.

            See? No big schemes, no grand plan to ruin the world. Just a guy trying to work on the little things, and it really is the little things that matter. Things like losing one’s keys, when nothing’s on television, people who wear Bluetooth headsets, people who talk during movies, people who wave to somebody behind you but look like they’re waving at you, walking into spider webs, when my socks get wet, when I get a bad haircut, when somebody one-ups me in conversation, and when my name is pronounced incorrectly. Just a bunch of minor complaints that I have taken some measures to fix. Things would be a whole lot better if I was in charge.